Rants from this "Happy Mom"...

Recently I have gotten into the habit of checking my Facebook "memories" every morning and reminiscing about past years when my kids were younger and things were less complicated. There are days when a single picture brings back so many memories and I think of that saying about the hard times being what take you from "one happy snapshot to the next".. it is SO true!

Lately I've been thinking about my kids growing up and how much harder it is on me than it is on them; I find myself doubting my answers or struggling to find the right words to say when they come to me with a problem. I beat myself up over not being a good enough mom for them or feeling like I can't provide them with all the support they need at any given moment.  While I am sure all moms have their "moments", sometimes I feel so alone in this ordeal, I feel overwhelmed with "life" as it happens and I am often afraid of the future...

Olivia had a rough school year; third grade proved to be a challenge for her and not academically speaking.  While she performed very well in all her subjects (consistent straight A's in all terms), I feel like her emotional maturity just wasn't there; she never bonded with her teacher (who is a rather "dry" woman), had some issues with kids bullying her, was overwhelmed with silly homework (don't even get me started on this point) and had an incredibly hard time fitting in with some people. A generally well behaved child, she was called into the office a few times to be "counseled" by a rather useless guidance counselor who I think did more harm than good. 

She came home crying a few weeks ago saying the school was giving out some random art awards and she was sad because she didn't get one; she proceeded to tell me she was tired of the "same kids" always getting the awards. At 8 years old she pointed out the fact that these "same kids" happen to be related to school staff, or the sons/daughters of those who have more money, or those whose parents are "always hanging out at school"...yeah.. she's smart observant like that! What is a mom to say? Do I break it to her that sometimes life just isn't FAIR? Do I encourage her to try harder so she can get an award next time? Do I tell her those awards don't really matter? Or do they?  These are the moments when I really dread her getting older and suffering like that.. it's hard to explain...

Then there's Gaby and her lack of understanding of her sister's need to be independent. Olivia keeps wanting to separate herself from the "I'm Gaby's sister" idea and Gaby is having a hard time with that. She still wants to dress like her sister, hang out with her sister's friends and maybe even attend the same parties/events her sister is invited to. She has such a strong personality but still can't get away from the fact that most of her growing up has been done under her older sister's shadow.  This is the first year where they have both specifically requested their birthdays be celebrated independently even though they are one day apart and the only one willing to bend that request is little Gaby, who isn't so little anymore either...

Remember that time I said Olivia came home crying because she didn't get an art award (yeah.. I just wrote about that on this same post!)...well, the second half of that anecdote is when Gaby very pragmatically added "yeah, but sometimes they have to pick random kids that never get anything so the favoritism isn't so obvious"... she also said "I know that because I was that random kid once!".. WHAT?!?!? How could she even come up with comments like that? Really Gaby? wow! Do I deny her observation and trivialize her feelings?... what's a mother to do? Is it really THAT obvious?

...and because this post turned into some random ranting that almost doesn't make sense, I have titled it "Rants from this Happy Mom". I literally had to write it up and THEN title it because there's just so much going through my mind. I want this school year to end, I want to enjoy the summer with my kids, I want to forget about the fact that the passing of time and the growing up is inevitable and I also want to keep learning from them and keep hoping that one day, maybe.. jus maybe.. I will have half the answers they need to have a happy life where the lessons learned are not so harsh and the getting up hurts less than the falls... 

Here's a picture that recently came up on my "memories"... how fitting!?!? 

Happy Blogging!